Getting used to a different life.

Since my cancer was first diagnosed I have had to face many changes in my life.I was sure it was only something temporary and after several chemo sessions it would be gone and life resumed as it was before. I now know I will have paliative care for the rest of my life. I found it difficult to accept partly because I feel I have little control over anything,I get extremly tired,the side effects of the chemo can make me nervous about going out and I try to get out of doing so whenever I can , I know its  rediculous and unfair  for Tony.My hair is growing back but where as I was blonde and straight it is now a mix of white, grey, blonde and curly.When I catch sight of myself in the mirror I  can't believe its me  . I am so very glad to have good friends who call in when they can and often we end up laughing about things.A very necessary tonic.

Being Happy

I was so happy when I was given a long break from the chemo over the Christmas period.I filled every moment,I saw my family,even my first husband who happened to be staying with one of my daughters.Everything was a joy.I bought a new coat and a couple of tops.I have lost so much weight
I must frequently look like a poor bag lady,I find safty pins the most useful to keep things from falling off as a skirt did one day when we were out at a flea market.I could only step out of it and as luckily I was wearing black tights I shoved the skirt into my bag and walked to find Tony who then stood guard around a quiet corner and I put the skirt back on securely fixed I hoped with a safety pin.
In February I had another scan and inspite of all the chemo the cancer has spread.So I have begun a new course and whenever I feel reasonable spend time in my workroom. I have painted and painted,many awful messes but love doing it and sewn a few things, again the only reason I am proud of them is that I tried and will continue. So  the wonder is I feel happy most days,good friends call to see me,I talk with my children frequently, I can eat fairly well, and I have my workroom to play in.Then best of all I have Tony who cares for me so brilliantly.

Being more positive

Am hoping a friend will soon stop by and help me change the side panels on my blog.I start more chemo very soon and want it to be a more positive time than befor.Made lots of plans
and lists of things I think I will be able to . The chemo is not going to be so strong this time so I am not panicing.

A surprise through the post.

My daughter took 3 of my paintings to England the time befor this weekend when she visited me.I had asked her if she could get them framed for me because here it is extremly expensive. She showed them to  an artist ,Brian Oxley, I had bought a painting I love from him many years ago. She wanted  advice on the framing,instead he framed them. He wrote to me saying they were excellent and would like to buy one if I were to bring some over next time I am in England. I have loved painting but since they are abstract essentially,well to me, sort of arranging colour I couldn't imagine anyone thinking they were good or even interesting .I put on layer after layer until a moment arrives and I know its time to stop.I wish I could download a photo of one or two but this computer still refuses to download them. .It gave me a huge lift. Tony hit on the idea of buying me a table like the ones they put over you bed so you can eat in hospital.I shall have one here so when I feel not too awful  I can paint in bed.I feel so cheered up and more positive about coping with my next chemo sessions.LOL Jill

A world turned upside down for a while.

I was very calm and happy when I went for my last chemo session thinking it was all over.The session itself was the first one where nothing went wrong BUT when it was over the consultant came 
and sat on my bed and told me the 6 sessions of chemo had barely touched the tumour.I was very very shocked,I couldn't bear to hear it. But I did. I now have been given a 4 week respite to eat as many unhealthy foods as I can, I am having a blood transfusion once a week for 4 weeks and lots of other stuff.Then I have 2 scans early December and the following day meet up with the consultants to discuss what happens next. I have no idear how I will cope. I will of course have to but have been a misery for a while.I think its the loosing all control over your life which becomes 
dominated by the dreadful effects of the chemo.The one thing I do manage is to keep my journal going even though many pages are very shakey.I am more than grateful for friends who visit and my blogging friends.How I would survive without Tony I can't imagne,he continues to be amazing as do my daughters.