My daughter took 3 of my paintings to England the time befor this weekend when she visited me.I had asked her if she could get them framed for me because here it is extremly expensive. She showed them to an artist ,Brian Oxley, I had bought a painting I love from him many years ago. She wanted advice on the framing,instead he framed them. He wrote to me saying they were excellent and would like to buy one if I were to bring some over next time I am in England. I have loved painting but since they are abstract essentially,well to me, sort of arranging colour I couldn't imagine anyone thinking they were good or even interesting .I put on layer after layer until a moment arrives and I know its time to stop.I wish I could download a photo of one or two but this computer still refuses to download them. .It gave me a huge lift. Tony hit on the idea of buying me a table like the ones they put over you bed so you can eat in hospital.I shall have one here so when I feel not too awful I can paint in bed.I feel so cheered up and more positive about coping with my next chemo sessions.LOL Jill
I was very calm and happy when I went for my last chemo session thinking it was all over.The session itself was the first one where nothing went wrong BUT when it was over the consultant came and sat on my bed and told me the 6 sessions of chemo had barely touched the tumour.I was very very shocked,I couldn't bear to hear it. But I did. I now have been given a 4 week respite to eat as many unhealthy foods as I can, I am having a blood transfusion once a week for 4 weeks and lots of other stuff.Then I have 2 scans early December and the following day meet up with the consultants to discuss what happens next. I have no idear how I will cope. I will of course have to but have been a misery for a while.I think its the loosing all control over your life which becomes dominated by the dreadful effects of the chemo.The one thing I do manage is to keep my journal going even though many pages are very shakey.I am more than grateful for friends who visit and my blogging friends.How I would survive without Tony I can't imagne,he continues to be amazing as do my daughters.
I have felt different this week,still the heavyness the tiredness gives me but I know it is completly normal.I have done so much this week and realised my head is full of ideas once more instead of empty all the time.Its as if knowing tomorrow I will have my last chemo has freed me up somehow.I am dreading it but just maybe it will be problem free for the first time. As soon as those first 5 days are over when I know I will feel grim I am looking forward to changing the side panels on this blog then taking lots of photos. I have masses of lace and ribbons and have begun to measure it and sort it so Tony can put it on eBay for me. I need to try to make a few dolls for a christmas sale if I can. I have walked in the wood a few times and it is very beautiful,full of ferns and copper coloured falling leaves,several neatly stacked piles of wood ready for the winter and of course the big white duck swimming on the Lavoir. He, we have realised is a she and seems to have no inclination to go as have the two previous ducks that spent time here.I am very happy about it because we and the village children get great pleasure from her. I had another Reiki session today and was told there was a block around my heart which stemmed from low self esteem and if I just thought about how many people have visited me and so many other kind, kind people who have taken time to wish me well it was about time I realised and raised my self esteem.I will try.
It is amazing that summer has gone and here it's becoming colder.I had 2 fairly minor op's straight after the last 7 hour chemo session.One in each shoulder and though both were done with local anestheticsI found myself completly knocked out for longer than usual.I only began to feel some interest in any thing a couple of days ago.But am up now and this morning was taken to a lovely man who did a wonderful relaxation session with me. Am still trying to eat more but not having as much sucess as I need.The doctor at the hospital arranged for me to have food supplements to eat along side each main meal.They are so unpleasant I just can't down them.So we have this huge box full and I don't quite know what to do about them.I know I should force some down but since very little tastes pre chemo days its even difficult to eat normal foods. My last chemo is next week,I hope the last one presents no problems,it will be very interesting to find out what a problem free session is like . I even went into my workroom this morning and looked through my many paintings .It was surprising how I picked up things that didn't seem rightand liked others more.I even felt happy thinking it won't be too long before I will be able to work in there again.
I knew it was going to be extremly hot just for yesterday.I have wanted to make some some prints all
summer but apart from that I am supposed to keep out of the sun haven't had the energy to do anything much.So I covered myself rather like a bee keeper grabbed the things I had put ready to use
and hurried up the garden,I had enough to make 2.Sadly dispite much searching I had lost Cas Holmes lovely book and couldn't quite remember what I had to do so I did each differently.Only one worked ,not brilliant but I did it!!
My hair is now beginning to fall out,I have been trying ways with scarves but I feel very self conscious so gave myself a talking too I either have a wig or its got to be scarves.The nurse that came explained that i should wash my hair in the shower with luke warm water and not rub it at all and best to avoid shampoo.You then pat it to dry out the excess and leave to dry in the air.The result is that not much hair fell out but my hair looked like it still need a wash Tony has just brought me a bottle of baby shampoo I will have a go sort of patting it into my head ,at worst it will just speed up the fall out.
I woke up yesterday and straight away knew I felt alot better,Stayed up quite a long time
and ate a little more.Today I feel even better,have fed the duck ,moorhens and cats.Pulled up a few weeds from the back garden and am wondering if I could make a chocolate cake?Just one week befor the next Chemio session but I know I will feel stronger , I'm sure there won't be problems and anyway I shall be ringing the bell even if its for nothing much.The doctor knew nothing of the problems but intends to find out.I still can't recognise my face in the mirror but at least I feel more like me.
I had my first chemo session exactly a week ago. I knew little about what would happen and here the medical service don't say much.I arrived at the hospital at nine and was soon in a single room being attached to a thing with drips and a couple of some sort of moniters one of which was reluctant to work but eventually the nurse said a cheerful bien and left..I had heard it would be about a 2to3 hour session.I was quite comfortable on a bed and had a good book to read.After an hour or so pain began and as time passed it got to be very unpleasent.I told myself this is how it is,but when dinner came round I refused it saying I had this pain.During those hours no one looked in on me at all.
I should have rung the bell,but stupidly thought that must be the way it was especially since no one had come in.The long and the short was that when the nurse did look at me she said Mon Dieu!!!
The consultant came and sent for ice packs because my breast was swollen and my shoulder and arm
by then,What followed was pretty unpleasent but more was to come.I was then hooked up to more stuff which I think was to wash out all the other .After 2-3 hours a nurse came in and hooked me up to more stuff until 6:00 when Tony came to collect me.9 hours,I still can't believe it.I'm told I was quite high when we left and the next day so I suspect it was because of something I was given, The hell set in wednesday afternoon and night.Lovely nurses have come daily and I did manage to ask if they had any idea what happened.I am seeing my doctor on wednesday so hope to find out more because my biggest problem is the next session.I am feeling pleased with myself because I have managed to stay up for most of the day and am eating again and showered and read for a while.I am tired now ,wish it was cooler,sleep is difficult when it is so hot.Thank you again for your support,it is something I have needed but am still trying to be positive.
When I came home from hospital last week I felt really sorry for myself.I hurt in so many places ,when I looked in a mirror I saw this ghostly person with horrible dull hair,my face looks a sort of grey yellow colour.As the days have passed and the pain lessened I began to feel better.My daughter sent me a wonderful sort of cap,its very pretty and made for hair loss.I read so many of your kind comments.One friend came several times and always manages to make me laugh.We have swapped some clothes,hers are too small for her and mine too large for me.Shortly the nurse will arrive to take out the stitches and give me my daily jab.My legs have quite a jolly purple polka dot pattern,I almost wished I had pre drawn a pattern to be followed,but then the first ones will soon begin to fade away,
I BEGIN THE CHEMO NEXT MONDAY!!!
Am having my hair thinned out and much shorter at the weekend.
I'm told I shall feel even more tired than now,I am sure you get used to it and can get on and do some good things.
Arrived at the hospital as requested befor 8:00 in the morning on Wednesday and was sent into a tiny ward where another lady sat already hooked up to her chemo.I waited and waited and waited and several hours later after seeing the anaethetist and the heart man wa s back in the ward . The consultant came and said all has changed ,we want you here monday befor 7:00 in the morning and we are going to open you up and see whats what.I was so taken aback I didn't ask a single question.
So here I am at home again wondering what and why.
On the good side my daughter arrives today for three days and i feel well enough to know i shall love seeing her.
Over in the water surounding the wood a water rat family have arrrived complete with 5 babies.The male is huge and has 2 very large protruding front teeth,but they are grazing animals and really quite harmless.They come onto the bank at dawn and dusk to eat the clover and grass.The french hate them and there probably are good reasons but for me I shall just watching them.
Now I know I have ovarion cancer it is a relief.I start the chemo on wednesday and am so pleased at how quickly the specialst moved to get every thing in place.I am sleeping alot,mostly I think to stop the negative thoughts that want to go round and round in my head.I have been visited by people everyday,everyone so kind.One good friend has even made my bedroom perfect.I always felt I was an invisable kind of person and the last two weeks have raised my moral enormously.I can't thank everyone enough,blogging friends and local friends.The chemo lasts for 5 months then another scan and more thoughts made on what next.But I know what has to be has to be.
I spent nearly a week in hospital and though I hated all the tests the docters and nurses were amazing. I am going back this week to have another scan to verify if what they found is bad or good.When I was told of the probability I went quite numb and seemingly didn't react at all.When I got home all I wanted to do was get under my duvet and get my head round it.Its taken a few days but now I feel more positive. I decided I would get up each day and spend time in my workroom,hopefully a little more every day.I am still just a bit blank and have to admit to ruining a painting and the next one seems to be going the same way.Still the act of doing it is a joy and thankfully with golden acrylics I can paint over them.Thank you all of you for all your lovely good wishes and Shashi for the book.I shall cut out as many pieces as I can and take them into hospital ,they will be a perfect task to do in bed.I am so very grateful and pleased with it.I must go and sleep now for a while
I have been unwell for some time and find myself always exhausted . I am having a scan to morrow
having had lots of tests.Hopefully the scan will decide what treatment I will have.Hope its very soon.
I have noted down all the titles of my favourite blogs.so I will still be able to visit,When I feel like myself again I will start up a new blog.I have enjoyed reading so many wonderful blogs and for encouragement sometimes much needed in times of doubt.Hugs to everyone jill
I posted the 6 comfort dolls to the Comfort Doll project this week,soon as they were posted I realised I hadn't photographed them. The village ladies made one each and I made one. They were all very pretty and I am sure they will be apprecated by the women who will receive them.
I did photo the prayer flags which now .hang in the wood.We all made 2 or 3 each and I am hoping now they can be seen more people will make one to add to them.
I am once again using this very old computer and these photos
are the best I can do .They only take minutes to make so we hope to add more soon.
I have been happily busy this week making samples of alsorts of patchwork for the Thursday ladies. I always take one of my quilts to the yoga class and they asked if I would show them how to start off.
In between I found myself making the collage,something I should never do when sewing as paint and glue don't mix well with patchworking days.
I covered the heart in material I had dyed,embroidered the butterflys and flowers,covered the backs in matt medium so I could cut them out without them fraying.the hair is cut from lots and lots of pages from magazines. It was difficult to find the colour once I had begun so I ended up painting over her hair.The stars are actually quite shiny gold as are the dandylion heads I stamped on the left.
This is stll my old old computer,very slow but though the colours aren't showing as well as I would like I've managed this blog.
I deleted the blog I wrote yesterday because I tried again with this very old computor and though painfully slow WORKS!!! I painted this and loved the colours but then wondered what to do with it.I decided to try and copy the colours as best I could using fabric. Then I printed some music onto fabric,painted a flower and printed that,embroidered some butterflys and after coating the back with mat gel I cut them out. I have just begun to add some gold beads to one side after assembling it all.
I have also had fun with these paintings
This one came about because my lovely neighbour showed me a painting she had done of her soul. It was very interesting and she explained that you don't think at all and just paint a layer,then another and another. Which I did. Then when the paint was wet I used a stiff dry brush and took some of the paint off. The next day and the next day I kept going and this was where I stopped. What a relief this has worked far better than my other computor,now I can at least blog without all that frustration.
I am hoping I can download at least one or two of the paintings and drawings I have attempted while we had no electricity.The computer I am using is pretty old and I find the pictures so far are very poorly reproduced.BUT at least they are there. The painting is of my garden as I remember it last autumn.I used Golden Acrylics .They are wonderful to use even by my in experienced hand.It isn't quite as dark as shown here but not too bad. The faces look as if they are drawn on grey paper but it is white in reallity.
I need to decide what to do about my computor,here in rural France its quite a problem and of course very expensive when you find someone.I have two kind friends who have helped me in the past but I feel I don't want to keep being a pain.
I haven't been here for ages and ages because my computer has been playing up and still will not let me download photographs.Tomorrow I shall connect up my very old one and see if that works. I was quite busy until the snow which left us with out power for several days. The house was soooo cold,I went to bed with leggings and jumpers on. The most difficult were the evenings because by 8:00 it was too difficult to read and the battery was running out on the radio.We are all electricity here,I hope we can get a new cooker that works with gas as well .I did put on lots of clothes and wished I had fingerless gloves and spent much of the days painting.It has made me think about the poor people who have suffered from really terrible things like earthquakes, forest fires ,homelessness because of war etc.
Hope to be back properly soon.
When I was painting recently and the work was very wet I decided to take a print off the wet surface onto material.I was quite pleased with the results and then decided to draw onto some of them ,put a piece of wadding behind and stitch.I had hoped the wadding would give some sort of slightly raised surface to the butterflys and flowers.I am dissapointed so far both that the mettalic threads don't really show much and nor are the sewn areas puffed up very much.May be the wadding is too thin ?
I still have loads more to add to them so perhaps I should postpone judgment until they are finished.
Or of course the backgrounds are too strong,not much I can do about that with these two .I shall carry on and also try to get some paler backgroungd.
For weeks now I have been trying and trying to paint,I have dozens and dozens piled up.The joy is that using acrylics you can repaint over them or change the bits you are unhappy with ,add to them or just leave them alone.I start by painting a background,usually 4 or 5,this is what the first painting is.
The painting above started with just such a background.I never quite know what the end result will be.
Seeing this one on the screen I can see I have more to do to it.The large blue flowers need centers and some of the stalks need to be a little darker. The colours in the photograph are much hotter than the painting .Its interesting to see them on a screen, you see them through a different perspective and it certainly shows up things I hadn't realised needed to be changed.The whole process is not only relaxing but totally absorbing,leaves little time for housework and meal making!!!!!!!!!!!